The Shit List – Week 1

Ah… here we are.  It’s Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday morning after the first week of fantasy friends football. The dew is on the grass.  The sting from your first loss still hurts deep in your chest.  The anxiety still fresh from your first win, hoping you can keep the vibe going… and here you are on the crapper reading Week 1 of the weekly recap.  

Well, let me backup.  If you’re not on the crapper, you should save this until you are. Otherwise, it’s a pretty long read.  And since you’re there dropping deuces, how about a weekly soundtrack to block the noise of those terrific turd tumblers hitting the water down below.  Go ahead and press play and then continue on….

Ok great… now let’s look at how ya’ll did!  This week might be a little longer since I need to explain what each of these stats mean.  Also, I’m probably only going to cover the best and worst of each stat so if you’re not mentioned.. You’re pretty darn average.  Do better, or worse, idk but just do something.

Best Team of the Week

Congrats to Superbowl SuperBears for getting the most points this week.  This means Dan could have played anyone this week and still would have won!  Good job (NOT)!  Following Dan is his wife, Team S Morrissey. Sarah, don’t follow no man.. It’s 2021! And then in third is Paul’s Balls.  

Worst Team of the Week

If you didn’t already figure it out, this title goes to the person that would have lost if they played anyone this week.  Congrats, Team Ya Hurd Me… way to come right outta the gates swinging!  Better luck next time.

Coach Performance

Let’s talk coaching… Coaching efficiency is measured by how well you decided who to start and who to bench last week.  It should be no surprise but Team S Morrissey, My Ball Zack Ertz, and SuperBowl SuperBears take the top three here.  Who did the worst coaching and had a bench that literally outscored the starting lineup?  The best two of the draft rankings.. Turn Left & Goff (Brian) and I Touchdown There (Dave).  You’d think we know what we’re doing by now, no?

Ya Lucked Out, Kid

LUCK!  No, not Andrew Luck.  Luck in the fantasy sense are managers who would have lost if they played other people but just happened to play someone worse than then.  This award goes to Team KSully!  Yeah, that’s right.  You beat me by one single point but I find solace in the fact that you would have lost to everyone else… well, except for Caitlin.  

Optimal Options

SuperBowl SuperBears (Dan) not only had the highest but if you were to add up the benched players to find the most optimal score, he’d still take the cake.  The interesting thing here is that Jayden RAMSey came in second although he lost his first match to… Dan.  Way to go Jayden.  You would have kicked almost anyone else’s butt.

Bear down!  I mean, bear with me just a few more recap sections then you can skip to your own’ game’s matchup review.

Damn Delta

In case ya’ll didn’t know, we’re still in a pandemic over here.  This means players are still getting vaccines, getting tested, and getting covid.  So we look at player exposures, vaccine rates amongst players, outbreaks, and who is who on your teams to come up with a COVID risk score.  With the highest likelihood to lose some players this week due to COVID protocol is Team Ya Hurd Me! Yay, Caitlin!  At least you won something this week.

Playoff Picture

It’s never too early to look at the playoffs, now is it?  Based upon your team’s performance in week one, we can project who will get to the playoffs at the end of the season.  Let’s just say unless your name is Dave, Amanda, Caitlin, or Brian… keep doing what you’re doin.  It’s working.  If I did just call your name.. Do better.

Weird Stat of the Week

If we judged teams by weight, not scoring.. The winner would be Team A Phillips. Yes, Amanda, you picked the beefiest bois creating the heaviest total weight of all players on your team. The beefiest boi on your team being Dallas Goedert, followed closely by Derrick Henry.  I Touchdown There and Team KSully… you escaped this title narrowly.  Get those bois on a Peloton already.

Makin Moves!

After watching him tear the Lions to shreds, Turn Left and Goff went ahead and picked up Eli Mitchell from the 49ers, dropping the old man who can’t hang, Ryan Fitzpatrick (hip issue). 

Also attempting to grab Eli Mitchell off waivers was I Touchdown There and My Ball Zack Ertz… nice try fellas, nice try.  

Power Rankings

This looks at a combination of all of the stats above to give you a look at who the best ranked teams are at this point in time.  Here ya go.

Power RankTeamManagerSeason Average
2*Team S MorrisseySarah2 (1)
2*My Ball Zach ErtzPaul2 (1)
3SuperBowl SuperBearsDan3 (2)
4Team You’re DunedLauren4 (3)
5Team KSullyKelley5 (4)
6Team A PhillipsAmanda6 (5)
7*Jayden RAMseyJayden7 (6)
7*Team Ya Hurd MeCaitlin7 (6)
8*I Touchdown ThereDave8 (7)
8*Turn Left & GoffBrian8 (7)
* denotes a tie

Okay, you can’t still be pinching loaves at this point so go ahead and wipe (front to back, ladies) and don’t forget to wash your hands!  If you’re interested in the head to head matchups go ahead and read on.

Husband/Wife Matchup of the Week

Commissioner’s Commentary:  The only losses that hurt are the ones you know you could have prevented.  That is not the case for Team Ya Hurd Me.   Putting up over 100 points in your first fantasy football debut is no easy feat.  You did good, kid.  Unfortunately it’s like the Giants going up against the Eagles right now… One of them clearly has a better team and its not the Giants.. Or in this case, Team Ya Hurd Me.  Keep your head up though because this week you square off against Dave and he really sucks

Operation Deflate(that ego)-gate

Commissioner’s Commentary:    Call it the curse of being the only league manager to not draft in person with us.  Call it the consequence of being the Draft winner and, of course, bragging about it.  Call it a loss is what we can call it.  I Touchdown There choked in the season opener to a newbie who didn’t even have the luxury of her first round pick putting up the lionshare of the points.  But of course, who are we kidding.. This isn’t Lauren’s team.  This is some mystery man on the other end of a long text message string’s team.

Who would win, a jaguar vs a bear?

Commissioner’s Commentary:  In today’s edition of, “you only won because you were the first pick of the draft” we have the Superbowl SuperBears.  Aside from a terrible name, we can’t take anything away from Dan this week.  Heck of a performance.  What’s interesting, though, is best possible scoring wise, we had a matchup of the two best scores.  My tutelage has paid off on my offspring.  I look forward to everyone else losing to an 11 year old the buccaneers for the rest of the season.

Who has the most boring team name?

Commissioner’s Commentary:  Player performances in this game were about as exciting as the two team names going to head to head.  What’s good to point out here is Sarah’s 0 point spread between actual and best case points.  We left a lot of points on the table this week but not Sarah.  Another interesting tidbit is Amanda had the best lowest scoring player this week.

The Trainer gets Trained!

Commissioner’s Commentary:  I was going to write a long diatribe about how my week mirrored the Lions start of the football season but the likelihood of anyone still reading is low.  So I’ll say this.. Despite me being one single catch away from winning…Kelley, ya did good.  You clearly watched some SportsCenter this week as I saw you made player moves, adds/drops, and it paid off.  Can’t take that away from ya.


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