The Shit List – Week 2

Hello there, friends. Week two is in the books and it sure didn’t disappoint. So, drop that seat down, point those cheeks to the ground, dump that diarrhea, and let’s get started!

This week was a rough week in fantasy for I Touchdown There so I dedicate this week’s soundtrack to my good buddy, Dave. This one’s for you.

Best Team of the Week

At the top of the leaderboard for the most points scored and their second straight win is SuperBowl SuperBears. I guess it’s time I give Dan some credit and praise. But first, a word from our sponsors…

We cannot overlook second and third place are The Better Phillips and Mystic Mooseknuckles. What a power couple!

Biggest Loser

In today’s edition of who would have lost to anyone they played this week is Team KSully. Kelley just loves Caitlin so much she took her place as the turd of the week. But don’t worry, Kel, your friend Lauren from Team You’re Duned is keeping you company down there at the bottom. I guess that’s what happens when half of your team is from the Cowboys.

Speaking of turd of the week, there remains only ONE winless team in Fantasy Friends league. I Touchdown There holds that title.

My Own Worst Enemy

As far as coaching efficiency goes (remember this is where you made the best sit/start decisions to get the most amount of points). My Ball Zach Ertz takes the cake this week followed by Jayden RAMSsey who I can tell you didn’t even look at his lineup this week. I guess sometimes, its best not to overthink it.. or think about it at all. Who made the worst sit/start decisions this week you ask? Supposedly The Better Phillips and Team KSully although looking at the paragraph above that’s not a surprise now is it, Kel?

Do ya feel lucky? Well, do ya punk?

The luck of the draw this week goes to Jayden RAMSey followed closely by Team Ya Hurd Me. In case you all forgot, this means that you probably would have lost if you played someone with real talent.. or ya know… played at all. Fortunately for the both of you, you played Kelley and Dave LOL.

The worst luck goes to Home Sweet Mahomes followed up by My Ball Zach Ertz who both did a good job but just went up against the better man.. or woman in Paul’s case.

Optimal Options

In terms of optimal scores (the amount of points you could have had if you made all the right decisions). The Better Phillips takes the cake here. In fact, had she made all of the most optimal decisions, should have have walked away with the highest score of the week and outplaced Dan! But who are we kidding? She knew she essentially had a BYE week this week when she saw she was playing Paul.

Damn Delta

Still in the red with COVID risk factor is Team Ya Hurd Me. Perhaps she’s been smooching with Zach Ertz who is out on COVID proto. Rising in elevation not too far behind Caitlin is Mystic Mooseknuckles. Vaccine shots, anyone?

Coming in with the lowest risk of losing players to COVID is Jayden RAMSey followed closely by I Touchdown There which is good because I don’t think Dave could afford to lose the one semi-good player he has.

Playoff Picture

Here’s where things get exciting! Lauren and Kelley, you earned your spot in the non-playoff bracket but don’t worry. Caitlin and Dave will show you the ropes down there.

I’m feeling guilty that all three of my understudies are all in the lower half of the bracket so I’ll tell ya what. Here’s a freebie for ya. It’s ten years out of date but luckily football doesn’t change as often as Dave changes girlfriends so you might still find it useful: Fantasy Football: Five Tips to Turn Around Your Tanking Team in 2010.

Makin Moves!

  • My Ball Zach Ertz went ahead and picked up the New Orleans Saints defense ahead of week 2 games.. not that it helped him any last week.
  • Home Sweet Mahomes knows one man’s treasure is another man’s treasure when she picked up James White (NE) after I dropped him and hoped no one would notice… well she noticed. Good eye!
  • In a desperate attempt to turn his record around which is dropping faster than the Ravens running back roster, I Touchdown There went and picked up Latavius Murray (Ravens) and dropped the injured Raheem Mostert that he tried to trade off to anyone that was dumb enough to take the trade before week 1.

Power Rankings

Well my my my what do we have here? The Week 2 power rankings has all but flipped upside down. Big congrats to Mystic Mooseknuckles and Team Ya Hurd Me on such beautiful comebacks in Week 2! No, seriously Caitlin, congrats on being tied with a few of the greatest in the non-sport of fantasy football!

Power RankTeamManager
3*SuperBowl SuperBearsDan
3*Mystic MooseknucklesBrian
3*Team Ya Hurd MeCaitlin
3*Jayden RAMSeyJayden
5*My Ball Zach ErtzPaul
5*The Better PhillipsAmanda
7*Home Sweet MahomesSarah
7*Team You’re DunedLauren
8*I Touchdown ThereDave
8*Team KSullyKelley
* denotes a tie

Right up the Middle

I want to cover a stat called “median matchup” which basically takes the average score of each week then tells you how well you would perform against the average instead of your opponent. Basically, it takes the luck factor out. Most teams should be dead even against the median since it’s the average but a few teams are either ahead or behind. Lets review them and what their record would be against the middle. And in case you didn’t get what I’m putting down, the green shows above average teams and the red shows below average teams.

TeamManagerCombined Record
SuperBowl SuperBearsDan4 – 0
Home Sweet MahomesSarah3 – 1
Team KSullyKelley1 – 3
I Touchdown ThereDave0 – 4

Moving on, Moving up!

Just a quick note to say 3 out of 5 games for Week 3 are all projected within two points of each other and some just a single point. The exceptions being, of course, Dan vs Kelley and Paul vs Sarah.

My suggestion to Kelley and Sarah (and mostly just you Kelley) is to watch that waiver wire like a hawk. Shake things up, pickup some nice young stud off free agency before I do!

Okay – now that our bowels have been evacuated, let’s give’er the whole 1, 2 flush and clean ourselves up and get back out there! See below for head to head matchups or don’t. I don’t care.


Blue & Silver (Lab) vs Yellow & Black (Lab)

Calvin Ridley (19.3)Best PlayerAaron Jones (41.5)
Amari Cooper (5.4)Worst PlayerWashington Football Team (2.0)
140.38 (+20.81)Best Possible Score159.92 (+10.70)

Commissioner’s Commentary: Team You’re Duned found out the hard way what happens when you have too many players from one team on your fantasy team. You’re limited to the amount that team scores. In this case, that team is not even a good one. Ugh Cowboys. Even the most optimal score would have lost against the Mooseknuckles this week. Lauren, you did the best you could.. which was just not good enough to beat the Commish.


Husband & Wife Matchup of the Week

Patrick Mahomes (24.02)Best PlayerCooper Kupp (36.8)
George Kittle (5.7)Worst PlayerSan Francisco 49ers (7.0)
154.32 (+22.90)Best Possible Score176.52 (+18.00)

Commissioner’s Commentary: Well, I guess we know who wears the pants in this family… it’s still Sarah. But you can’t take anything away from Dan on this matchup. Even Sarah’s most optimal score falls short of Dan’s numbers. Dan’s coaching was impeccable because I saw no projections for Kupp that would have led me to start him in my other leagues. Sarah learns the same lesson as Lauren. You’re only as good as the team you’ve made half of your lineup as.


There can only be one…loser

Travis Kelce (23.9)Best PlayerTom Brady (29.64)
Cleveland Browns (5.0)Worst PlayerHarrison Butker (5.0)
142.62 (+21.66)Best Possible Score149.14 (+15.50)

Commissioner’s Commentary: Oh Dave. Where do I start. Hey, on the bright side if you had coached better you could have beaten Caitlin’s actual score. But you didn’t. You lost. I’m wondering how many more losses before we can change your name from Dave to Owen.. as in Owen Two. Caitlin! My tough love last week paid off. You put up some solid numbers. Had you played your husband this week, you would have beaten him. Actually, you would have beaten half of the league. Way to rebound.


My Cat is Better than your Cat

Aaron Rodgers (26.8)Best PlayerTyler Lockett (31.8)
LA Rams (6.0)Worst PlayerPittsburgh Steelers (-1.0)
137.20 (+6.20)Best Possible Score128.44 (+37.60)

Commissioner’s Commentary: I’d like to give Jayden props for excellent coaching here but he literally did nothing. I guess you have that luxury when you have such a talented team. Kelley, you’re gonna have to scratch, claw, and bite for every point right now. Did Lauren talk you into that defense? They suck. Drop um and move on. Wednesday Waiver Wire (say that 3x as fast) is your friend. Go get um, tiger!


If at first you don’t succeed, try again, & again, & again…

Derrick Henry (47.7)Best PlayerKyler Murray (33.1)
Dallas Goedert (4.4)Worst PlayerNew Orleans Saints (5.0)
184.26 (+33.80)Best Possible Score132.60 (+2.10)

Commissioner’s Commentary: Oh Paul. You just can’t beat Amanda no matter what you do. It’s not your fault. You coached well. Heck, you left only 2 points on the table. However, Amanda left 33 points on the table and still beat your ass. The good news is Kyler Murray is the league highest scorer in total right now. I have no doubt you’ll rebound and start winning again with that roster.. until your next matchup against The Better Phillips anyway. Let’s just hope you’re not playing for a playoff spot the next time around.

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