The Shit List – Week 3

Week three has come to a conclusion and some of us got fucked in the pooper so badly we’ll be bound up for days. But don’t worry friends, this is what we’re here for! So climb up on that throne, hold my hand (or a railing) and Bear Down on that ballon knot until it explodes like Chernobyl all over the walls. Mmmm finger painting, anyone?

As you’ll soon read, my tough love on only my bestest friends really does pay off. After you take your public shaming, you shoot right to the top! So, this week’s “Songs to Shit To” goes out to Kelley, Caitlin, and Dave! Way to turn it around you two and you’re welcome.

Best Team of the Week

Well well well, Dan. Not only did you not make it in first place this week but you’re not even in the top half! This is okay because you’re comforted down there on the bottom with your main wife, Sarah, and your other wife, Kelley. But wait a minute, we’re supposed to be talking about the top dawg here!

Caitlin! I feel like a proud papa watching his less than developed kid score the game winning three pointer as the clock buzzer hits 0. Following Caitlin in the highest score of the week is Dave! There’s nothing wrong with being late bloomers, you two. Or maybe you’re just hustling us all.

Since the actual league standings and the weekly score rankings are at a disagreement for the first time, just a reminder you can always find the overall standings on this website here or via your ESPN Fantasy football app where, unfortunately, Dan is still #1 with a record of 3-0.

Worst Team of the Week

The Turd of the Week trophy goes to Jayden RAMSey this week as the lowest points scored. While Jayden’s performance was quite abysmal this week, I think he’ll still walk away smiling knowing that the Rams dominated the Buccaneers this week which we know makes up 3/4’s of his team.

However, we can’t talk about sucking without talking about our friend Kelley. In an effort to pickup my entire bench I dropped mid week to grab some sleeper picks, you still came up with a chode (insert Dave’s #dickpic for reference). Here is a list of boards you’re featured in none other than last place:

  • League Standings
  • Playoff Probabilities
  • League Median Matchup Standings

Remember when you asked me what the “L-1” stood for on your team page? Well, if you look now it says “L-2” as in you lost two in a row. Speaking of L-2, your good buddy Sarah has the same on her page. #TWINNING! #EMBRACETHESUCK

Now, I’m a fair commissioner so I can’t talk about your failures without talking about your wins! Congratulations, because you are dead last in the standings you now have the #1 spot on the waiver order. So go out there and blow your load on some new stud in free agency. He’s all yours and no one can take him from you!

Put Me In Coach!

Taking the gold in coaching performance this week was our highest scorer, Team Ya Hurd Me! You left 4 points on the table.. four! Coming in closely with you was Home Sweet Mahomes. Sarah, you either have John Madden in your back pocket or your bench is downright horrible because you’re consistently in the top for coaching performance.

Who made the worst coaching decisions this week? SuperBowl SuperBears came through setting a league record with the worst coaching of the season and a total of 60 points left on the board. I suppose Dan was trying to be like his Chicago Bears coach Matt Nagy making the worst sit/start decisions ever. Don’t forget, Dan, you guys could have had Patrick Mahomes

Luck of the Irish

Despite Dan’s terrible coaching, he played Kelley so he still won. However, Dan gets the luckiest team award this week as he could have played many other teams this week and lost with that score. On the flip side, who could have played 7 other teams this week and would have won but instead played one of the only two people to score more than him? Me. Guess I used up all of my luck nailing down that bombshell of a wife. (Spoiler alert: she was up all night with a screaming baby while I watched football and snored so I gotta suck up where I can).

While we’re talking about luck, Caitlin still has the highest chance of inactive players due to COVID protocol yet here we are in week three with none so I’m gonna say her luck is strong.. maybe running out. We’ll see.

Playoff Picture…literally a picture of the chart.

Makin Moves!

So uhh… there were a lot of moves since last week. Usually I would list them here but Team KSully herself made a total of SEVENTEEN moves since the last Shit List report. For reference, there are only 16 players on each team! Kelley, you either know what you’re doing or you’re trying hard to give Helen Keller a run for her money.

One might even be suited to claim collusion since three of those players came directly from my bench. Low and behold, your highest scorer this week was none other than Nyheim Hines who I had dropped just days before! Although, I assure you there was no collusion. I’m just dumb.

Who else made moves? My Ball Zach Ertz picked up Kelley’s trashed Steelers defense. Dumb move considering those Steelers got you 4 points where the Saints would have gotten you 19 points if you held onto them. Apparently you didn’t read last week’s report when I told Kelley to drop them cuz they suck.

I Touchdown There sent Latavius Murray back to waivers and picked up Odell Beckham Jr. Along with Michael Thomas, putting Jarvis Landry back on the dating list… While the OBJ experiment worked well in your favor, your Jarvis Landry pick blew up in your face given his 21+ points last week.

Its that Z Shit

Normally I’d cover the Power Rankings and the Median Matchup Standings but this report is getting long so we’ll skip to Z Score Rankings… this is where you look at how teams scored this week in relation to their average score thus far. I Touchdown There took the lead in this category BY FAR.

What does this mean? This means Dave had a breakout week well above his usual performance. In fact, his Z-score this week is almost 5x the runner up which was Team Ya Hurd Me. The both of you outperformed yourselves this past week. Let’s see if you can keep it up.

Coming in not as glamorous but much more reliable like an old Ford King Ranch pickup truck is Team You’re Duned. You scored nearly right on your average each week. If I didn’t mention your team.. you under performed your usual score.

Actually Jayden RAMSey under performed his usual with a Z-score of -990.33. For reference the next closest underperformer was Dan with -10.46. Jayden, you have a ton of potential if you applied yourself… after you finish your math homework of course!

Head to Head Matchups

Don’t Talk About My Friend Like That!

Mystic Mooseknuckles Team Ya Hurd Me
125.42 - 155.58
Matt Stafford (29.52) Best Player Tom Brady (28.68)
Washington Football Team (-8.00) Worst Player Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3.00)
145.22 (+19.8) Optimal Score 159.68 (+4.10)

Commissioner’s Commentary: In a classic case of revenge for talking all of the crap I’ve talked on Team Ya Hurd Me and Team KSully, Caitlin pulled out all of the stops and whooped on like Ike did Tina (Turner). Not gonna lie. It burns like the clap. I was on my way up just to get knocked back down. Call it karma for public shaming everyone. I won’t feel sorry for myself though. I’m playing Jayden next week and if he wants to have a good Christmas.. he better keep the injured Dalvin Cook in his starting lineup.

If You Ain’t First, You’re Last…Literally.

Team KSully SuperBowl SuperBears
89.24 - 116.72
Nyheim Hines (18.90) Best Player Cooper Kupp (30.60)
AJ Brown (0.30) Worst Player DeAndre Hopkins (5.10)
109.84 (+20.60) Optimal Score 177.44 (+60.72)

Commissioner’s Commentary: Well, Kelley, you made all the right moves… all seventeen of them. Projections gave you a fighting chance once Dan’s prized cow, Christian McCaffrey pulled a hammy early on in the week. But dog gone’it, Dan went and had two more of the week’s top 5 scoring players. Funny considering he literally didn’t even try this week. Do you have internet, bud, or are you still waiting for me to reset my router?

Nail Biter to the Very End

My Ball Zach Ertz Home Sweet Mahomes
119.34 - 116.60
Davante Adams (31.20) Best Player Patrick Mahomes (22.90)
TJ Hockenson (3.00) Worst Player James White (0.60)
138.84 (+19.5) Optimal Score 121.80 (+5.20)

Commissioner’s Commentary: Classic case of, “I can’t get beat by another girl or the guys will make fun of me” Paul eeked through with a win. By the hairs on his ass cheeks and the sweat of Davante Adams.. he pulled through. Sarah didn’t waste a single second cutting her under performer, James White. Gotta be tough working under her regime! She kicked James White our Billy Bellichick style. Its gotta be tough knowing if you started McKissic over James White, you would have beat Paul. But hey.. blame James White why don’t ya!

Husband & Wife Matchup of the Week

Jayden RAMSey Team You're Duned
71.64 - 126.82
Aaron Rodgers (19.04) Best Player Najee Harris (28.20)
LA Rams (0.0) Worst Player New England Patriots (5.0)
97.34 (+25.70) Optimal Score 141.18 (+14.36)

Commissioner’s Commentary: Simple simple.. Jayden was too busy playing video games with “Da Crew” to pay attention to the fact that he was starting two injured players. As a result, he scored the lowest amount of points and completely bombed the week. Don’t short change Lauren’s performance, however. Someone on the Steelers finally scored some real points in Najee Harris. Too bad the Steelers are still 0 – 3 though.

Who Hates Brian More?

The Better Phillips I Touchdown There
120.38 - 146.22
DK Metcalf (22.70) Best Player Josh Allen (37.22)
Jonnu Smith (1.40) Worst Player Ty'Son Williams (2.20)
145.48 (+25.10) Optimal Score 175.32 (+29.10)

Commissioner’s Commentary: Dave finally had the moment he was waiting for. Josh Allen woke up and realized the NFL season started! With Josh Allen back in peak form and Lamar Jackson stressed out with being the only real offensive playmaker the Ravens have left, Dave came through with the win. I just can’t believe you started the Raven’s RB over my boy D’Andre Switch given their RB woes. Fun fact.. if you had started the LIONS player, you would have captured the league’s highest single week score. But you didn’t. You slept on the Lions like everyone else. You’ll regret this when we’re both dead and the Lions finally win something.


Leave a Reply