The Shit List – Week 4

Okay listen up, shit heads. It’s time to tighten up those tushies. It’s only the beginning of week five and some of ya’ll are already getting sloppy. And I’m not talking about you got a little poo on your hand when you wiped and now you’re downstairs eating out of the communal potato chip bowl kinda sloppy.

No. I’m talking porta-potty poo kinda sloppy. You know exactly what I’m talking about so don’t act like you don’t. You slide on over to the that plastic poop pantry thinking you’re just gonna have a tinkle, winkle, and bounce. But there it is… the seat is up and you just can’t help yourself, can you?

You just have to have a little looksie. Ya know….throw a casual glance down the shit shaft before you do your business. What do you see? Sloppy poo on top of sloppy poo. A mountain of sloppy, greasy, runny poo. Layers of sloppy poo all different shades of brown mixed in with blue juice and the worlds thinnest TP. No one has a solid poo in the porta-potty… NO ONE.

I think by now you get the point so lets get into it. For the first week thus far, the women have swept the men in all MvF games this week. So this one goes you to you ladies…

Best Team of the Week

Move over, boys. A couple (prettier) new leaders have emerged! This week the highest score of the week goes to Home Sweet Mahomes thanks to literally two players who scored over 50% of her total score. Second highest score and currently in first place overall is Team Ya Hurd Me currently on a three game winning steak.

Actually, W/L record wise, we have three first place contenders including SuperBowl SuperBears (no one cares) and Team You’re Duned who came up from literally no where. Strut your stuff, ladies. You earned this one!

Worst Team of the Week

I guess Dan and the SuperBowl SuperBears somehow thought we were celebrating opposites day since he fell from the highest scorer in previous weeks to the lowest score this week. Dan not only was the lowest but he is also the only player to not break 100 points this week. Rough.

Barely doing better than Dan was The Better Phillips (is that some kind of joke btw?). Jayden just two points above her. Speaking of Jayden and Amanda, you both currently sit at 9 & 10 overall standings wise. Way to represent the Phillips fam in the bottom half of the bracket, ya’ll.

Some folks Coach, Some rely on luck.

Yet again Home Sweet Mahomes takes the cake for the best coaching efficiency this week. It’s clear at this point that Sarah’s bench just does not score, like at all. In fact, half of her bench is on IR. BYE weeks start in a week so good luck there. I Touchdown There came through with runner up in coaching efficiency.

Tough break, Dave. You coached near perfect but just happened to have the worst luck of all of us this week. You played one of the few people that would have beat you to no fault of your own. Paul had pretty bad luck too, not only for playing one of the ones who scored higher but coming in literally less than a minute err- I mean point.

The luckiest of all this week is Team You’re Duned. Congrats. You played the worst player this week which means you didn’t even have to try. Pumpkin Spicin Basic B*tch got lucky also… lol.

Playoff Picture

Taking the spot for highest probability of making the playoffs away from Dan is Team Ya Hurd Me. Although SuperBowl SuperBears and Team You’re Duned are still looking pretty good. Those who have less probability than a flip of a coin? In order of who sucks the most:

  1. Jayden RAMSey
  2. The Better Phillips
  3. I Touchdown There
  4. Pumpkin Spicing Basic B*tch

You’ve Outdone Yourself!

In this category we look at team scores based upon their average to determine how closely they played to their usual. In other words, this category shows how bad you fell off or how good you really aren’t. Taking first place against her usual is Pumpkin Spicin Basic B*tch. Apparently a sassy name change was all Kelley needed to shoot to the top and outdo herself. It comes as no surprise that Dan has the lowest score against his average this week. In fact, Dan put up about half of his usual score this week… half.

Makin’ Moves

The King of the Waiver Wire strikes yet again! Dave wasted no time picking up some studs from the previous week in waivers ahead of the week 4 games. Dave is astute. Be like Dave. Here’s a recap of some of the changes:

  • I Touchdown There picked up Chuba Hubbard despite my own attempts to pickup the McCaffrey backup. My guess is some others made this same attempt, Dan?
  • My Ball Zach Ertz actually listened to me for once and dropped the Steelers in lieu of the Bengals. While this decision didn’t have immediate ROI, I’m confident it will pay off in time.
  • I Touchdown There went all in on the Panthers and snatched up Sam Darnold over Baker Mayfield. Much to everyone’s surprise, Sam has emerged as a top scoring QB this season.
  • Home Sweet Mahomes coming in to pickup my trash for the third week in a row! Zack Moss added in lieu of Philip Lindsay.
  • Oh and Team KSully went all “new name, new me” and changed her name to Pumpkin Spicin Basic B*tch after one day of pumpkin picking and soccer games with the Philips family. Let’s just hope your team doesn’t Fall as quickly as you got into the season.

Husband & Wife Matchup of the Week

My Ball Zach Ertz Pumpkin Spicin Basic B*tch
115.62 - 116.28
Kyler Murray (22.62) Best Player Daniel Jones (27.68)
Cincinnati Bengals (1.00) Worst Player Nyheim Hines (1.10)
132.18 (+16.56) Optimal Score 142.68 (+26.40)

Commissioner’s Commentary: Paul has been swimming in the Estrogen Ocean since the start of the season playing 4 of the league’s women so far. In fact, with his next two matches being Dave and Lauren, he will have played all six of the league’s women by week 6! You’re one game away from sync’ing your menstrual cycles. Buy some Tylenol now because if the cramps don’t get ya, this burning loss to your second wife (#HeGetsMeToo) by less than a point is gonna hurt for a while! I speak from experience of course as the burn from week 1 still strikes me in my chest.


Father Knows Best

Mystic Mooseknuckles Jayden RAMSey
117.60 - 109.52
Corey Davis (21.1) Best Player Aaron Rodgers (24.12)
New Orleans Saints (-3.00) Worst Player LA Rams (+5.0)
141.30(+23.70) Optimal Score 137.82 (+28.30)

Commissioner’s Commentary: Time and time again I tell Jayden I am always right. Does he listen? No. Mystic Mooseknuckles had to show a little tough love this week and let Jayden know who the real fantasy football star is in this household. Well.. that and he forgot about the Thursday night game and started an injured player. Rookie mistake for the 11 year old league manager… Had he started Shenault he would have actually won. Oh well, I’ll take the W this week and go all in on helping you beat your stepmom next week! #PhillipsPride


Parking Lot Party!

The Better Phillips Team Ya Hurd Me
142.56 - 107.34
Derrick Henry (25.70) Best Player DJ Moore (31.90)
Denver Broncos (0.00) Worst Player Harrison Butker (6.00)
145.52 (+2.96) Optimal Score 161.46 (+54.09)

Commissioner’s Commentary: Go Caitlin! You know its gonna be a solid performance when Tom Brady is your lowest scoring offensive player. What’s perhaps even more special about this win is that it has catapulted your projection to finishing in first place! For the record, though, I take full credit for your success. You owe me half of what you win which is.. nothing. Amanda, however, should change her name to The Average Phillips because you’re now 2-2 and projected to finish 5/10.


#TeamYou’reDe-throned

SuperBowl SuperBears Team You're Duned
81.26 - 114.02
Russell Wilson (22.56) Best Player Saquon Barkley (29.60)
Logan Thomas (0.00) Worst Player New England Patriots (0.00)
94.96 (+13.70) Optimal Score 153.22 (+39.20)

Commissioner’s Commentary: TIMBERRRRRR! Down goes the Dan like a hooker on a Friday night. Now that his first round pick is laid up, Dan’s simply got nothing left in the tank or should I say the Kupp? Once BYE weeks start up, I think we’ll see just how bad Dan’s bench really is. What makes this loss hurt even more is when you learn four of Lauren’s players scored less than four points each and she still won by 33 points.


Girls Rule & Boys Drool

I Touchdown There Home Sweet Mahomes
127.32 - 153.22
Terry McLaurin (30.30) Best Player Tyreek Hill (47.60)
Carolina Panthers (-6.00) Worst Player Jason Myers (4.0)
141.74 (+14.42) Optimal Score 161.72 (+8.50)

Commissioner’s Commentary: Dave’s comeback tour was cut short and for once the cause wasn’t the delta variant. It was Sarah and her QB she blatantly stole from the kid. You can’t blame Dave, though. It truly wasn’t his fault. He was just unlucky given that he would have beat the majority of the league this week. Don’t you just hate it when that happens? Don’t get too comfortable up there in your high tower, though, Sarah. With your immaculate coaching performance and three players on IR in your bench.. the forecast is grim. And I’m not talking like a Hurricane Henri kinda grim. We’re talking Katrina breaks the levees kinda grim.

Leave a Reply