The Shit List – Week 5

Welp, if deadlines were a Squid Game, I’d be dead. (I know dumb joke.. I’m just trying to stay relevant okay?). Sorry for the late report. It just takes me so long to have to type Pumpkin Spicin Basic B*tch this took forever to write! haha nah, your boy just had to work for once. Plus, I’m a nice guy and I just thought I’d wait and give Paul something to read and distract himself tonight so he doesn’t have to watch the Eagles get fisted by Tom Brady and the Bucs.

Okay onto the good stuff. Soundtrack of the week? This one I’m playing for myself. It’s been rough out there. Not as I predicted it at all. So we’ve got this one on repeat this week.

Best Team of the Week

Caitlin! Holy Cow! (Don’t #JonGruden my ass if you’re Indian. I mean this respectfully) Team Ya Hurd Me rolling through with a casual 191.24 pts this week. I’m gonna go ahead and say it now.. anyone that gets 200 points in a single week, you won. We’re shutting down and giving it to you. Such a turnaround on your season, Caitlin.

Another big win this week comes from I Touchdown There with 179.50 pts. Ya’ll out here making it rain. I’m just glad I already played at least one of you. Rest of the league beware. You have at least two more losses coming in your future at the hands of these two. For you both, I leave you with this:

Let’s talk top of the overall standings now. We’re doing first place by committee still this week. Team Ya Hurd Me, SuperBowl SuperBears, and Team You’re Duned all having a threeway up there in the First Place lounge. Nice. I look forward to the games ya’ll play each other so we can break up this little love nest.

Bringing up the rear we have our rookie Jayden RAMSey, Pumpkin Spicin Basic B*tch, and those Mystic Mooseknuckles. I will go ahead and say now.. I called my place in this league at the jump! At least I’m honest.

Worst Team of the Week

Well, I accidentally just covered the worst of the bracket so let’s talk about who scored terrible this week. Representing Team 2X Chromosome, Pumpkin Spicin Basic B*tch and Team You’re Duned failed to even hit 3 digits this week. Actually, Kelley’s total score was not too far off Amanda’s QB single player score. Wow, Kelley. Seemed like you were rebounding but I guess not. Well, you know what they say. Best to not rush right into a rebound anyway. Stay down there in the shit for a while longer. You’ve got time….

Lucky Duck, Coach

Let’s talk coaching performance and how your luck was if you failed to coach properly. At the head of the coaching performance is Team Ya Hurd Me and Home Sweet Mahomes. No surprise there since you both had pretty high scores. Broken record moment: BYE weeks start this week! Gonna have to get creative to keep up those high scores. Despite his loss, Jayden actually logged in for the second time all season and made coaching changes resulting in a near tie for second with Sarah.

Bad coaching performance? Myself and Dan. Although for one of us it didn’t matter. This brings us to luck… Dan takes second place in that category since he played the only other person who coached terrible last week. But none of that compares to Team You’re Duned‘s luck rating! Lauren, you would have lost to anyone else this week, even Jayden… but I’m sure you already knew that with a score in the 80s. Put away your spandex and white slouch socks and get with the times!

You know who is not lucky? My Ball Zach Ertz. You have the worst luck of all of us.

Optimus Prime

I wanted to share a couple of interesting tidbits about everyone’s optimal scores. If you need a refresher, this is what you would have scored if your coaching performance was 100%. SuperBowl SuperBears takes the cake here. Not that you needed it, Dan, but if you actually paid attention to your team this week you could have have the highest points of everyone this week, 222 of them to be exact.

Caitlin… you remember what I said about the 200 mark? You would have also had 200 pts if you make better decisions.

Kelley. Oh Kelley. You still would have had under 100 points even if you made all of the right moves. Ya just can’t win, sister… literally.

Damn Delta

Let’s go back to this COVID chat because there’s been some happenings in this category! Remember how Caitlin’s team having an outbreak being inevitable? Well, the algorithm was wrong. The Better Phillips lost her Tight End (hehe) at the hands of COVID. Dallas Goedert is on the PUP list after testing positive. The silver lining here is that he sucked anyway so that wasn’t a huge shock to your roster.

The numbers have actually changed here. Caitlin is back to a moderate risk. My Ball Zach Ertz now has a sure risk for COVID. Now, for those of you that realize the Eagles suck and don’t pay much attention… Amanda’s player was the Eagles starting TE. His backup also happens to be Paul’s team name. So it’s kinda funny that the predictions say he is sure to get COVID. Okay I guess it wasn’t that funny, especially if you’re a pathetic Eagles fan.

Makin Moves!

Okay I have to be honest. Ya’ll made a lot of moves this week. A record amount of moves in fact. I just don’t have the time or desire to list them all. You can find them here (don’t worry this is a legit link, not a #rickroll). I will give you a few highlights…

  • Whoever is really behind Lauren’s team must have come back from vacation because she made 8 total transactions! To everyone else, don’t bother going browsing though catalog Free Agency because Lauren already done snatched up every player there was
  • In this week’s “One Man’s Trash is Another Man’s Treasure” – Dave picked up Tony Pollard after I dropped him. For those who tend not to overthink things.. this is Dave planning ahead. Dave saw that Zeke was questionable meaning he’s fighting away injury. Dave didn’t start Pollard which means he knew Zeke was still going to be the rush leader. BUT he knows its a matter of time before Zeke gets hurt for real and is out. Pollard already proved himself a solid #1. This is why Dave rebounded so well. Be more like Dave. (de ja vu anyone?)

Playoff Picture

I’ll keep this one simple. If your last name is not Phillips (or Sullivan of course) then you’re probably going to the playoffs. That’s right. I didn’t want my family to be down in the pits without me so I so nicely bombed my game to drop out of playoff contention and join my family! I guess its a good thing you live down the road, Kelley. Cuz you’re now part of the Shit Family too.


Head to Head Matchups

For those with an interest to know.. the only part of this report that takes a decent amount of time are those little head to head info tables I do. The rest of this report is done within 30 minutes time (and you’ll deal with the typoses because of it). So, since I’m running short on time this week – you’re getting screenshots again.

NFC North Duke Out

I failed. I let you all down. Dan tripped up the week before. I thought I’d come through with the one-two punch and slay this beast for good but instead my team laid a fat f*cking egg. I followed the projections (which had me favorable) yet came up short and gave Dan the dub. What baffles me is that your second highest scorer had far more points than the guy who had to throw the ball to him (and five others) who was in MY team. Oh well, I shall take my frustrations out on your wife this week. Wait, that sounded bad.

The Wicked Step Monster

Looking at Amanda’s team, she has some real heavy hitters who decided to show up in force this week. Not for a lack of trying on Jayden’s side. I mean, he would have beat anyone who went to Cleats this past Sunday. The best player of the week is on Amanda’s team which btw if ya’ll hadn’t noticed… the photo at the top for each week is the week’s highest scorer. Bet you didn’t pick up on that did ya? So, back to this game. Luckily the Bucs score a lot or Jayden would have a pretty bad team.

How Low Can You Go

It’s like Lauren and Kelley were actively trying to compete for the lowest score of the week instead of the highest. On Lauren’s end, she is really only as good as the Cowboys who are hit or miss each week. Thankfully Najee Harris is the only Steeler’s player who didn’t get hurt in Sunday’s game. I predict his numbers will only improve as well Chase Claypool (who is on my team). On Kelley’s end.. well, you just need better players. With BYE weeks here and a full roster of injuries last week, I think you’ll be able to win a game or two.

Husband & Wife Matchup of the Week

I know Paul is reading this thinking, “Husband & Wife Matchup? I played Dave.” Well, Paul… Dave showed up this week and made you his bitch so here we are. Solid numbers from both teams this week actually. Dave had a near flawless week which is where Paul got unlucky. Although a pretty solid performance, there was no room for error. I’m looking at that Ravens defense with a big fat zero score and your not so tight end (hehe). Knowing that Hockenson has been battling injury for the past week and didn’t practice at all before Sunday, you took a risk. You lost. I would have started Higbee. But I also wouldn’t listen to me if I were you.

2 Moms, 4 Kids

I had no better caption for this game. I’m sorry. I thought of you two and all I saw were a bunch of kids… mostly on Sarah’s side. Let’s not let the terrible game title distract us from Caitlin’s stellar performance though! Not only did your starter’s beat Sarah’s but your bench outscored hers as well! Some days you’re the toilet and some days you’re the turd! This week Sarah was the toilet and Caitlin was the turd just shittin all over Home Sweet Mahomes. With that said, unlike the case with Paul, you had a stellar performance all the way through Sarah. Every player you had contributed their projected points. Caitlin is just an overachiever. Let’s not be mad at her.

Okay, that’s all for this week, folks! If you want to give me feedback on this report to make it better in subsequent weeks, feel free to use this feedback form by clicking here.

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