The Shit List – Week 5
Welp, if deadlines were a Squid Game, I’d be dead. (I know dumb joke.. I’m just trying to stay relevant okay?). Sorry for the late report. It just takes me so long to have to type Pumpkin Spicin Basic B*tch this took forever to write! haha nah, your boy just had to work for once. Plus, I’m a nice guy and I just thought I’d wait and give Paul something to read and distract himself tonight so he doesn’t have to watch the Eagles get fisted by Tom Brady and the Bucs.
Okay onto the good stuff. Soundtrack of the week? This one I’m playing for myself. It’s been rough out there. Not as I predicted it at all. So we’ve got this one on repeat this week.
Best Team of the Week
Caitlin! Holy Cow! (Don’t #JonGruden my ass if you’re Indian. I mean this respectfully) Team Ya Hurd Me rolling through with a casual 191.24 pts this week. I’m gonna go ahead and say it now.. anyone that gets 200 points in a single week, you won. We’re shutting down and giving it to you. Such a turnaround on your season, Caitlin.
Another big win this week comes from I Touchdown There with 179.50 pts. Ya’ll out here making it rain. I’m just glad I already played at least one of you. Rest of the league beware. You have at least two more losses coming in your future at the hands of these two. For you both, I leave you with this:
Let’s talk top of the overall standings now. We’re doing first place by committee still this week. Team Ya Hurd Me, SuperBowl SuperBears, and Team You’re Duned all having a threeway up there in the First Place lounge. Nice. I look forward to the games ya’ll play each other so we can break up this little love nest.
Bringing up the rear we have our rookie Jayden RAMSey, Pumpkin Spicin Basic B*tch, and those Mystic Mooseknuckles. I will go ahead and say now.. I called my place in this league at the jump! At least I’m honest.
Worst Team of the Week
Well, I accidentally just covered the worst of the bracket so let’s talk about who scored terrible this week. Representing Team 2X Chromosome, Pumpkin Spicin Basic B*tch and Team You’re Duned failed to even hit 3 digits this week. Actually, Kelley’s total score was not too far off Amanda’s QB single player score. Wow, Kelley. Seemed like you were rebounding but I guess not. Well, you know what they say. Best to not rush right into a rebound anyway. Stay down there in the shit for a while longer. You’ve got time….
Lucky Duck, Coach
Let’s talk coaching performance and how your luck was if you failed to coach properly. At the head of the coaching performance is Team Ya Hurd Me and Home Sweet Mahomes. No surprise there since you both had pretty high scores. Broken record moment: BYE weeks start this week! Gonna have to get creative to keep up those high scores. Despite his loss, Jayden actually logged in for the second time all season and made coaching changes resulting in a near tie for second with Sarah.
Bad coaching performance? Myself and Dan. Although for one of us it didn’t matter. This brings us to luck… Dan takes second place in that category since he played the only other person who coached terrible last week. But none of that compares to Team You’re Duned‘s luck rating! Lauren, you would have lost to anyone else this week, even Jayden… but I’m sure you already knew that with a score in the 80s. Put away your spandex and white slouch socks and get with the times!
You know who is not lucky? My Ball Zach Ertz. You have the worst luck of all of us.
I wanted to share a couple of interesting tidbits about everyone’s optimal scores. If you need a refresher, this is what you would have scored if your coaching performance was 100%. SuperBowl SuperBears takes the cake here. Not that you needed it, Dan, but if you actually paid attention to your team this week you could have have the highest points of everyone this week, 222 of them to be exact.
Caitlin… you remember what I said about the 200 mark? You would have also had 200 pts if you make better decisions.
Kelley. Oh Kelley. You still would have had under 100 points even if you made all of the right moves. Ya just can’t win, sister… literally.
Let’s go back to this COVID chat because there’s been some happenings in this category! Remember how Caitlin’s team having an outbreak being inevitable? Well, the algorithm was wrong. The Better Phillips lost her Tight End (hehe) at the hands of COVID. Dallas Goedert is on the PUP list after testing positive. The silver lining here is that he sucked anyway so that wasn’t a huge shock to your roster.
The numbers have actually changed here. Caitlin is back to a moderate risk. My Ball Zach Ertz now has a sure risk for COVID. Now, for those of you that realize the Eagles suck and don’t pay much attention… Amanda’s player was the Eagles starting TE. His backup also happens to be Paul’s team name. So it’s kinda funny that the predictions say he is sure to get COVID. Okay I guess it wasn’t that funny, especially if you’re a pathetic Eagles fan.
Okay I have to be honest. Ya’ll made a lot of moves this week. A record amount of moves in fact. I just don’t have the time or desire to list them all. You can find them here (don’t worry this is a legit link, not a #rickroll). I will give you a few highlights…
- Whoever is really behind Lauren’s team must have come back from vacation because she made 8 total transactions! To everyone else, don’t bother going browsing though catalog Free Agency because Lauren already done snatched up every player there was
- In this week’s “One Man’s Trash is Another Man’s Treasure” – Dave picked up Tony Pollard after I dropped him. For those who tend not to overthink things.. this is Dave planning ahead. Dave saw that Zeke was questionable meaning he’s fighting away injury. Dave didn’t start Pollard which means he knew Zeke was still going to be the rush leader. BUT he knows its a matter of time before Zeke gets hurt for real and is out. Pollard already proved himself a solid #1. This is why Dave rebounded so well. Be more like Dave. (de ja vu anyone?)
I’ll keep this one simple. If your last name is not Phillips (or Sullivan of course) then you’re probably going to the playoffs. That’s right. I didn’t want my family to be down in the pits without me so I so nicely bombed my game to drop out of playoff contention and join my family! I guess its a good thing you live down the road, Kelley. Cuz you’re now part of the Shit Family too.
Head to Head Matchups
For those with an interest to know.. the only part of this report that takes a decent amount of time are those little head to head info tables I do. The rest of this report is done within 30 minutes time (and you’ll deal with the typoses because of it). So, since I’m running short on time this week – you’re getting screenshots again.
NFC North Duke Out
The Wicked Step Monster
How Low Can You Go
Husband & Wife Matchup of the Week
2 Moms, 4 Kids
Okay, that’s all for this week, folks! If you want to give me feedback on this report to make it better in subsequent weeks, feel free to use this feedback form by clicking here.