The Shit List – Week 6

Week 6 has concluded and quite honestly, some of you had a pretty shitty week. You know the kind. You feel one approaching from the south so you hop up on that porcelain throne and give it a good push to get things going. You can feel it. It feels like a brown submarine coming slowly up the Thames. After pridefully birthing that beautiful brown bundle of butt butter you take a quick glance as you wipe up and what do you see? Something about the size of your thumbnail. Suddenly the pride vanishes. You expected so much more!

Yep. That describes some of your fantasy performances this week. So to those who turned things around this Sunday and to those hoping for a quick rebound, I dedicate this week’s soundtrack to you.

Top of the Morning to Ya

We’ve had some changes this week! Ironically, after putting up the lowest amount of points just a couple of weeks ago, Jayden RAMSey comes through this week with the most points scored. My Ball Zach Ertz comes through with the second-highest points scored this week. Unfortunately for Paul, though, he happened to play the only person who scored more than him (Spoiler Alert for the Luck section later on).

Rankings-wise, SuperBowl SuperBears took his favorite spot back at the top of the bracket, and this time he’s up there alone! Yup. Team You’re Duned and Team Ya Hurd Me both suffered painful losses this week taking them down a peg or two.

Flat Bottom Girls, You Make the Rockin’ World Go ‘Round

Bringing up the rear with the lowest amount of points scored this week was Team Ya Hurd Me, Team You’re Duned, Phantom of the Opera, and The Better Phillips. Cute little girls-only club you’ve created at the bottom there. Also pretty ironic considering they all played each other. That means two of you got lucky this weekend (hehe).

But who is at the bottom of the rankings, Brian? That’s all that matters. Glad you asked because there’s a bit of a guy’s club going on there as well. In order of who sucks the most is Jayden RAMSey, My Ball Zach Ertz, I Touchdown There, and Home Sweet Mahomes. Although it is worth pointing out only one person n that group is on a three-game losing streak… Paul. Look on the bright side, you’re currently holding the record for longest losing streak so far this season.

Since we’re talking bottoms here, if I just listed your team above.. you’re currently not in the playoff picture. For Dave and Sarah, this means you got cropped. Someone photoshopped Kelley in there for now but I expect that to change soon.

Right up Z Middle

The z-score rankings this week show us how good or poorly we scored against our usual (average) score. Jayden and Paul had a breakthrough week. It’s almost as if Paul is giving his luck away to his opponent each week seeing as they have a lot and he has none. Sarah and Caitlin come in as having an abnormally poor week. I played Sarah so I’ll take it. To celebrate that moment here’s a gif explaining what Derrick Henry did to Sarah’s Buffalo defense last night.

Coaching Performance

Coaching-wise, Paul was at the top of his game this week. Paul left less than 10 points on the board this week. While this would have given him the win over Jayden’s actual score, we can’t overlook that Jayden’s actual score would have still won. Phantom of the Opera made the worst coaching decisions this week. Although it was really me, not Kelley. Giving some bad advice, I gave Kelley a 20 point difference in her actual vs optimal score. Yeah… you should probably not listen to me anymore Kelley.

Ya Lucky Duck You

Wow did Kelley luck out! Moments after throwing in the towel with an “I quit.” text message, Kelley came out of nowhere to secure the win with so few points she would have lost to anyone else she played last week. Let’s see if the luck of the Irish will last into week 7.

Talk about people who don’t belong… Kelley is currently sitting at place 6/10 with a whole four-team underneath her yet she also has the lowest total points scored all season.

Paul! Claiming the unluckiest team of the week for what seems like the 6th week in a row is My Ball Zach Ertz. On paper, Paul has put up more total points than half of the league. On record, he is in second to last place just barely sitting above the person who beat him this week.

The Week Ahead Check-In

Regular season-wise, we are coming into the halfway point! There are 14 regular-season games this year and for those that failed math, we are in week 7 now. There are still a lot of tied records in the league, however. On one hand, this shows how well balanced the teams are. The phrase, Any Given Sunday, has never been as true as this league shows. I’m keeping my eye on a couple of games this week.

  • Paul has a chance to break his bad luck streak scratching and clawing his way to a better spot in the rankings when he plays Lauren and Team You’re Duned who currently sits in 3rd place. Likewise, a loss here from Lauren will drop her rankings pretty dramatically.
  • Kelley, who is holding at .500 record wise also has a chance to shoot up the rankings with a winning record and prove herself worthy with a win over Sarah. Meanwhile, Sarah is looking for a similar chance to match her points with her record and get closer to even should she secure the dub.
  • Dan and Amanda who both hold a consistent top 3 scorer every week square off against each other. On one hand, Cooper Kupp is playing against a terrible Lions defense and likely to run up the score. On the other hand Derrick Henry seems to be hitting his stride this time of year.

Head-to-Head Matchup Recaps

I’ll Get One of You..

I did say if I couldn’t beat Dan, I’d beat his wife and here we are. Truth is, I was sweating it out last night thinking I was off writing checks my ass couldn’t cash. Luckily for me (and Amanda), Derrick Henry ran all over the Buffalo Defense resulting in 0 points. Meanwhile, Sarah’s TE hurt his thumb or something… idk but I won! haha. One of us was walking away with .500 and the other a losing score. Speaking of losing.. what is going on with Mahome’s family?

D*ck Measuring Contest

Another great match-up that seemingly came down to the wire. Dan looking to retain his position at the top. Dave looking to prove he doesn’t suck at this fantasy football thing. Well, we see how it all ended up. If we added in bench player scoring, Dave would have walked away with the dub, however. This tells me that Dan is one injury or bye week away from losing while Dave has built a strong foundation that can stand a few blows. Oh well. Shake it off, Dave. You have a big game to focus on this week, buddy!

I Lay Down my Sword for Thee

Okay… I’m not convinced there wasn’t collusion happening here. Moments after Kelley sends a “throw in the towel” text to me and Caitlin, Cait’s team absolutely bombs and hands the win to Kelley.. with a QB who got less than 5 points?! Hmmm. Super Sleuth Phillips is on the case and if I find collusion, you’re both getting the loser’s trophy this year! Kelley, this win put you at .500. You’re not as bad as you think (or as I make you out to be). Just know, the pressure is on. You’re right at the waterline and can go under with one simple mishap. But cheer up. You WON!

Paul vs Phillips Fam Part II

Paul is currently 0 -2 against the Phillips Family. You can sigh in relief, Paul, you have quite a few chances to build your record up until you play another Phillips family member again! This past week the Buccaneers had a great week which means Jayden had a great week. Nevertheless, this game came down to the wire as well. So many games could have gone either way this week. Interestingly, the two of you find yourselves at the last two places because your total points scored suggest you both should be well above where you are. I know.. I’m just rubbing salt in the wound at this point.

Blondes (Don’t) Have More Fun

I’ve said it four times already so I’ll say it a fifth time now… this one came down to the wire! Seriously though, so many balanced teams this week. Fortunately for Lauren, the Cowboys (who make up half of her team) had a great win against the Patriots. Unfortunately for Lauren, the Titans had an even better game against the Bills. When Lamar Jackson only got 11 points I thought Amanda’s fate was sealed. Then Lauren went ahead and put up four players all with less than 5 points. If you want to win games, you just can’t make those kinds of mistakes. Had you not slept on Kenyan Drake instead of some dude I’ve never even heard of, you could have snatched the dub with points to spare. Congrats on having the highest scoring player this week though.

1 Comment

  • So glad i listened to the poop masta’ himself..

    Speaking of that- are we moving on from Poop talk this week? #askingforafriend

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