The Shit List – Week 8

Well, for those of you who I saw on Halloween I’d like to say it was nice to see you but.. it wasn’t. Ya’ll suck. In other news, what a week it’s been. Some of you are clearly playing chess while the rest of us are playing checkers. I’ll let you figure out who is who. And because I know you missed the shit talk so much let me paint you a picture of how my Halloween went…

Up next we have our soundtrack of the week. This one goes out to our champ. You know who you are.

Best of the Best

At the very top of the charts this week is the titillating triplets: Home Sweet Mahomes, followed closely by Team You’re Duned and Crazy Cat Lady less than a point from each other. You three would have beat anyone this week. There were even a few upsets in there as well as Kelley makes her way to W3.

Worst of the Worst

Bringing up the rear were two-thirds of the Phillips family Jayden RAMSey and The Better Phillips flanked with Team Ya Hurd me less than a point away from Amanda. Last week I called the three of you out for making little to no players moves and this week ya’ll end up last. Coincidence? Probably.

League Standings

Despite their losses this past week SuperBowl SuperBears and Team Ya Hurd Me still take the cake as first and second, respectively. Of course, they are backed up by Team You’re Duned still holding down third. There are some interesting happenings here though. If you go by record only, Caitlin, Lauren, and Kelley are all tied for second place (remember when you wanted to quit, Kelley?). Paul and I come in tied for third in that scenario. So why is this interesting? The entire first 6 spots are all a game away from either moving up to first/second or dropping to the end of playoff contention. November is gonna be a good month!

Playoffs?!

With Dave’s soul-crushing loss to Kelley this week, he drops out of playoff contention. He joins the regulars down there in the red, The Better Phillips, and Jayden RAMSey along with Home Sweet Mahomes. I’ve been there Dave. It smells like a pissed-on cigarette down there. Stay strong, brother. Stay strong.

Speaking of playoffs. Here’s a fun fact for you… Dan only needs one more win to clinch his spot in the playoffs. that’s right. If Dan gets one more win, he could lose the rest of his games and still make the playoffs. WILD. Paul knocked him down a peg last week. Now it’s my turn. Ya’ll wish me more luck than you wish upon my beloved Lions.. please.

Optimal Coaching and Luck of the Draw

There isn’t much to report on coaching these days. I’ll probably drop it from the report unless someone does something pretty stupid. With BYE weeks, most people’s benches have little to no points left in them. Let’s focus on luck. The luckiest team this week is yours truly Mystic Mooseknuckles. That’s right. Had I played anyone else that won this past week, I would have lost. In a sense, I was the best of the losers which means… I won. Or in reality, just better than Amanda.

Davey boy comes up as the unluckiest this week. Dave put up triple digits and still took the L on Monday night to Crazy Cat Lady. After being projected to win all week long no less. Tough loss. I suspect he’s still pouting in the corner somewhere.

Another note optimal score, the second overall optimal score was The Better Phillips while Mystic Mooseknuckles was somewhere mid chart. What could this mean, Brian?! It means had The Better Phillips been better about making the right sit/start decisions, she would have beat me. This makes me the luckiest guy this week for sure.

COVID: The Second, Third, Fourth Wave

To be honest, I don’t know what the algorithm is for how my data predicts who will have a COVID outbreak but it’s on point! In my last COVID prediction, I said that My Ball Zach Ertz was the next one to lose a player due to covid and that came to fruition this past week with Davante Adams. Luckily, Paul was able to preserver and beat Dan without one of his best players if not the best.

Now, the predictions say Crazy Cat Lady is the next one to have a COVID loss, and, well, I don’t want to give spoilers for next week but, umm, Noah Fant just went out with COVID. Sorry for giving her this tip, Lauren, but you need to swap your TE with someone else, Kelley. He done got the ‘rona.


Head to Head Matchups

Husband Wife Matchup of the Week

The Better Phillips Mystic Mooseknuckles
90.74 - 118.10
Henderson/Metcalf (22.30) Best Player Matt Stafford (24.20)
Emmanuel Sanders (0.00) Worst Player Cincinnati Bengals (1.00)
149.14 Optimal Score 126.50

Commish Commentary: Well I guess the only thing Amanda is better at is in losing to the greatest. Of all five of your losses this season, I know this one hurt you the most! Speaking of 5 losses, one more and you’ll have double the losses than you have wins! What’s even worse about this game is that Derrick Henry broke his foot and is likely out for the rest of the season! So, I wouldn’t count on a comeback so soon. Honestly, that is sad. I have him in another league. Luckily, my team is so stacked I secured the dub without him, unlike Amanda. Better luck next time.


Hell Hath No Fury Like a Scorned Woman

Crazy Cat Lady I Touchdown There
129.38 - 120.96
AJ Brown (31.50) Best Player Josh Allen (29.64)
Noah Fant (2.80) Worst Player Ryan Succop (3.00)
141.58 Optimal Score 128.96

Commish Commentary: I have to admit… I wrote the team matchups Monday morning and I definitely wrote this whole paragraph out as Dave taking the dub. Blame ESPN projections, not me. I wrote all about how Dave tied up his record and proved his worth and then Kelce ate dog shit Monday night and some dude I’ve never even heard of on the Giants had a banner game. So, now I type this for a second time. I’ll keep it brief. This was the game of the week. Came down to MNF but ultimately Kelley came away victorious and shot to the top of the standings!


Guaranteed Dub of the Week

Jayden RAMSey Home Sweet Mahomes
65.46 - 136.00
Aaron Rodgers (15.66) Best Player Chris Godwin (28.00)
Too Many to List (0.00) Worst Player Matt Prater (3.00)
88.26 Optimal Score 142.26

Commish Commentary: I guess the life of a middle schooler is just too hard to focus on your fantasy team. Jayden went into the week with a league record total of THREE players who scored absolutely nothing. I must embrace my fatherly duties and help this boy along. It’s just too early in the season to be giving up and handing out automated Ws to anyone you play. Take nothing away from Sarah this week though. You had a good week.. just too bad it was for nothing. Save those points for when you need them!


Cat Fight!

Team Ya Hurd Me Team You're Duned
91.00 - 129.84
Tom Brady (25.20) Best Player Deebo Samuel (23.10)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-1.00) Worst Player Calvin Ridley (0.00)
107.70 Optimal Score 156.04

Commish Commentary: What a rocky road this game was and I’m not talking about ice cream. After a lot of ping-ponging back and forth early on, Lauren ultimately came through victorious with the biggest point spread of two teams that actually tried this week. And what’s best yet is that Lauren did it without the whole Cowboys offense! Caitlin is now feeling the burn from having made no player moves all season and a bench of Bye players. Could we see #2 start to slip down the charts???


Mister Steal Your Win

SuperBowl SuperBears My Ball Zach Ertz
109.22 - 128.82
Cooper Kupp (24.50) Best Player Joe Mixon (25.10)
Brandon McManus (5.00) Worst Player Kenneth Gainwell (2.70)
122.22 Optimal Score 136.12

Commish Commentary: While the LA Rams came through against Houston this week they failed to come through for Dan. Well, actually they are Dan’s two highest-scoring players this week… it’s just that the rest of his team is shit. Although putting in Cole Beasley might have given you the win. Too bad you started a Bears player instead. Paul on the other hand won by a total of 19.6 points. Coincidentally your Eagles defense you picked up gave you 20 points. So, really you should be thanking the Lions for not only an Eagles win but this fantasy win over the #1 team. Yeah.. the Lions. You’re welcome.

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