The Shit List – Week 9

We’ve spent nine long weeks together in this shit hole of a league. If you’re still reading this every week, you’ve read 15,143 of my shitty words and assuming you read at an average speed, you’ve lost a grand total of one hour and one minute of your life with me so far (hey if Amanda can do a lifetime, you can do an hour!). With that in mind, I think I will spare you the poop talk and move right into the song of the week. Actually, this time I grace you with an entire playlist!

Great songs. We’ve had quite a shakeup this week! Let’s go ahead and dig right in. We have a lot of ground to cover. But before we do there’s just one thing I forgot to mention last week. Dan is in first place because of Cooper Kupp. End of story there. So with him removed.. our top three teams for a few weeks running just happened to be all three of my understudies! Hmmm. Correlation = Causation?

Best of the Best

At the top of the scoring chart this week comes my opponent, SuperBowl SuperBears. I’ve got nothing else to say. Dan’s team is stacked. Take one guy outta pocket and two more emerge as scoring leaders. Dude is shitting four leaf clovers or something. Aside from Dan though, look out ya’ll! My Ball Zach Ertz has emerged from the bowels of the rankings to take second highest scorer and second place overall! Nope. I’m not joking. I wish I was.

Now, if your name is Caitlin or Lauren you might be wondering.. how is Paul is second place? We have the same record so we’re tied, right? Right?! Kind of. At some point, you need to actually decipher who is 1 through 10 for playoffs. When teams have a tied record, we look at how many points have they scored in total to be the tie breaker and rank everyone 1-10. In this case, Paul has scored more points in total this season so this puts him ahead of the both of you. Let’s have a live look at Paul this morning when he checked his ESPN app.

Worst of the Worst

Bringing up the rear is, of course, Jayden.. again. This is what happens when you don’t log in and don’t pay attention. We had a chat last night and he now has a reminder in his phone to set his lineup. Guess we’ll see how that goes. Then we get to the second worst of the week who actually did pay attention but still ended up with a team that looked more like Jayden’s this week which was Team You’re Duned. Low scores all around on that team. At least your defense showed up to play. That was about all that showed up. With another loss on the books, Home Sweet Mahomes takes second worst in the overall rankings next to Jayden.

Playoff Percentages

Last week I said that Dan was one win away from clinching a playoff spot with only me standing in his way. I guess Dan took that as a challenge and went all out. So this week I am here reporting that Dan has now clinched a playoff spot. This means he could literally not even open his app for the next five weeks and still end up in the playoffs. Big congratulations to Dan.

In a BIZARRE turn of events, Kelley is the next up with one more win needed to secure a playoff spot. Who stands in her way? Me. How did that go when I was the toll gate for Dan? Not good. While we’re talking about shit we didn’t expect to happen, because Jayden threw the match and gave Dave his first win in several weeks, Dave has now boosted me out of playoff contention taking the sixth seed. I wouldn’t get too comfortable up there just yet though, Dave. Competition is heating up.

Optimus Primal Luck

Luck. I’ll keep it brief. Amanda was the luckiest. She beat Sarah but would have lost to five other teams this week. Congrats on having one of the few opponents to score lower than you. After all, its working out for Paul! Bad luck? Me. Threw up three digits but happened to play the highest scorer. What can ya do?

Now let’s talk about coaching and optimal score? I love to play this game of “who would have won if they made the right sit/start decisions”? Team You’re Duned. Had you made better decisions this week you would have beat Kelley by less than a point. That is also assuming Kelley made all of the right sit/start decisions. Your optimal score comparison can be found in your head to head matchup below.

Who else would have won if they payed even the slightest bit of attention? Jayden! Jayden’s optimal score was two points higher than Dave’s optimal score. Fooking shit, Jayden. You handed Dave a win that he doesn’t deserve! I’ll tell you what, Dave, you owe Jayden a video game or something.

In like fashion… Sarah, you still would have lost to Amanda had you been 100% on your sit/start decisions. Sucks to suck.

Quarantinis Anyone?

Wow. What a week for player quarantines. Seems COVID finally caught up with the NFL. As we dicussed last week, Kelley was down her best TE due to the ‘rona. Jayden lost his starting QB, Aaron Rodgers because he’s engaged to a hippie and now an anti-vaxxer. False positives took out half of the Giant’s whole team for a few days. I know there are a couple others who went out but I can’t remember who and I have a meeting in two minutes so GFY. Home Sweet Mahomes is the next up according to the data. With a couple player injuries last week, your team is already stretched. Hopefully the data is wrong, for your sake.

Bad Boy, Bad Boy Whatcha Gonna Do?

Let’s wrap up Week 9 with a new statistic. Who has players on their team with arrest records? See the chart below. Injuries, Covid, and Bad Boys!? Sarah. Looks like you used up all of your talents when you picked Dan because your player picking skills seem questionable.


Head to Head Matchups

Captain No Show Strikes Again

Jayden RAMSey I Touchdown There
68.10 - 109.66
Devantae Booker (15.20) Best Player Kennan Allen (22.40)
Robby Anderson (1.20)* Worst Player Nick Folk (5.00)
115.70 Optimal Score 113.06

Commish Commentary: Josh Allen had his worst week of the season this Sunday, not even amounting to 10 points. Jeremy McNichols didn’t live up to his hype. Ja’Marr Chase had a bad week and Nick Folk put up quite literally one-third of what he put up the week prior. Do you know what matters though? None of that. Do you know why? Because Jayden didn’t do jack shit yet again. The funny thing is he actually went from three inactive players down to two due to the Bears’ last minute sneakiness at RB. Anyway, Dave got a freebie this week. It’s a good thing too because he was headed straight for the shitter until Jayden saved the day. Dave, you owe him some V-Bucks now.


Too Little Too Late

Mystic Mooseknuckles SuperBowl SuperBears
102.26 - 153.54
Cordarrelle Patterson (19.60) Best Player Justin Herbert 31.64)
Cinncinnati Bengals (-2.00) Worst Player New Orleans Saints (0.00)
118.38 Optimal Score 163.54

Commish Commentary: Welp, I was really hoping to keep this streak of Dan losing intact but I stood no chance. Dan scored the most amount points than anyone else this week and, well, I’m more of an average fella myself. Matt Stafford had to go and have his season’s worst performance. The stupid Bengals went negative. Meanwhile, Nick gave his fantasy managers a Chubb and Justin Herbert became the QB of the week outta nowhere. This loss even tanked my standings. Oh well. Onto the next!


Hunter’s Revenge

Team You're Duned Crazy Cat Lady
84.92 - 114.40
New England Defense (19.00) Best Player James Connor (40.30)
D'Ernest Johnson (1.60) Worst Player Indianapolis Colts (0.00)
136.88 Optimal Score 135.24

Commish Commentary: There could only be one second-place team and Kelley was determined to grab it! With Lauren and Caitlin’s loss this week, this breaks up the little love fest and gives Kelley the position. Kelley was the proud recipient of this week’s highest scorer. COVID held nothing back from Kelley racking up the score and taking the win. Lauren on the other hand… you know when your highest scorer of the week is your defense, there’s a problem. The only other team this week that had three players with less than a 5pt score is Jayden.. and that’s because he started inactive players! The fun part about this whole thing? Kelley beat Lauren with a former Steeler’s RB


I Don’t Suck, You Suck

Home Sweet Mahomes The Better Phillips
89.16 - 100.14
Christian Kirk (16.42) Best Player Lamar Jackson (30.54)
Zack Moss (4.40) Worst Player Dallas Cowboys (0.00)
101.96 Optimal Score 107.04

Commish Commentary: Battling it out for second to last in the rankings and trying to bust up into a playoff hopeful spot, Amanda and Sarah battled it out all day. The projections looked bleak for Amanda then Lamar said oh hell naw and put up over 30 lovely points. Meanwhile, the Rams had to lean on Matt Gay to score almost all of their points while Stafford had a Detroit moment. On Sarah’s side, those studs from the beginning of the season are starting to see quite a slump. Pat Mahomes is now less relevant than his weird TikTok brother. Zach Moss got hurt early and put up shit. Then there’s Josh Jacobs who did alright but not good enough to make up for the rest of his imploding team.


Husband & Wife Matchup of the Week

Team Ya Hurd Me My Ball Zack Ertz
99.42 - 128.88
DeVonta Smith (22.60) Best Player Jonathan Taylor (34.00)
Chase Edmonds (0.30) Worst Player Greg Zuerlin (0.00)
122.02 Optimal Score 147.18

Commish Commentary: In this week’s husband and wife matchup we have Caitlin sitting pretty at the top of the rankings and Paul looking to make a splash and land a playoff spot. On Caitlin’s team, we had two mid-game injuries which limited two of her higher scorer’s potential along with some dingleberries she started to overcome BYE and injury outages. I’m no mathematician that equation sucked. On Paul’s side, all of his players showed up. His only questionable start was Jakobi Meyers but with Hockenson out, what can ya do? Take the win and move up the rankings I guess is what ya can do…and did.

2 Comments

  • It would seem that Kelley is the one playing with luck on her side… she has literally scored 2 pts more than Jayden overall and is in second place….🤷‍♂️

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